spiders and tigers and guns, oh my!

As I entered the house, I noticed that it was densely overgrown with plants inside. Once inside, I could hardly tell the house apart from a dark, quiet jungle. She led me across the foyer to a window, but as we approached, a snarling tiger leapt out of nowhere and growled in my face.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “he won’t attack you as long as I’m here.” I had no idea who she was, but for some reason, I trusted her.
He slinked back into the darkness and hopped up onto a ledge where he laid down, still eyeing me suspiciously. We went around him, through a window, and dropped down about 8 feet.
There was a cave down there below the house, and as we went to enter it, I felt several “somethings” drop onto my back. I reached my hand back there and grabbed a handful of what felt like hairy spider legs. As I pulled at them, I glanced over my shoulder to see a large spider flatten out on my back and sink his teeth into my flesh. I yanked two of his legs off, but he clung there by his fangs. I felt the rest of the spiders sinking their teeth in as I frantically grabbed at them and tried to pull them off. Their grip was firm, however, and I knew that unless I acted fast, their poison would kill me.
The girl had disappeared into the cave and I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t have trusted her. It seemed she’d led me into a trap and left me to die. I climbed back up toward the window in search of a phone, and there was the same tiger to greet me, only this time, it wouldn’t be restrained by the presence of the girl. I raced toward the front door and dove outside, slamming the door behind me. I heard a loud thump as the tiger hit the door behind me.
Feeling weakened already by the venom pumping through my veins, I made my way as quickly as I could down the street toward my house and my phone. I dialed 911 and as I finished telling the operator about the where I lived, I heard a car pull into my drive. I knew that this was an abnormally fast response time, so as I went to the front door to let the guys in, I poked my head out to see the ambulance. Before I could see the vehicle, however, the man who’d come pushed me back inside. I noticed that he was not in an EMS uniform as I passed out on the floor.
I passed in and out of consciousness as the man pulled the spiders off of me, one by one, and cleaned and dressed my wounds. I noticed that the spiders went dormant the moment they were off of me, and they didn’t attempt attacking this man who was handling them. They curled their legs neatly as he put them each into a little box.
When I finally woke, I was lying on my face in my bedroom. The box of spiders was on the dresser across the room, and I heard the man who’d helped me out in the living room. I’d decided that these “spiders” were some kind of weapon, and this man could somehow control them. I wanted answers, so I sneaked into the other room to grab my gun. There I found my sister, who was also trained to use a weapon.
“Do you have your gun on you,” I asked.
“Always,” she replied as she pulled a revolver from beneath her jacket.
“Good. Listen, there’s a guy in here that I need some answers from, and I need your help. He’s in the living room. Just follow me in there and go stand by the front door, at least ten feet away so he can’t grab you or your gun. If he tries anything, shoot him in the legs.”
With that, we headed into the living room. He had apparently expected me to be unconscious much longer, and he had no idea that my sister would be there with me. I demanded to know what was going on and why I was attacked. He dove into the kitchen and reached for a gun. I was aiming at his chest and I pulled the trigger. Gun jam. I pulled harder. Still nothing. I manually ejected that cartridge and finally, as he was leveling his gun on me, I got a shot off. I hit him in the right shoulder just as Kathy shot and hit him in the thigh. He dropped his gun and I went for it as I heard a vehicle come to a skidding halt outside, and then many feet running toward my house. We ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and busted the window out so we could escape.
As all the men came rushing into my house, Kathy and I lunged out the window and began running down the street. One man had stayed outside in their truck, and he came sprinting after us. He was just about on me and was pulling out a gun, so I turned, shot him twice, and kept running. We ran several blocks, and once we’d put some distance between us and them, we started darting between houses and trying to get to a safe place.

ending the war

My dad and I were chosen to join a special ops team whose goal was to end the war in Iraq. We were slated to leave for the theater in a few hours so we needed to pack up our things. I was sitting in my house when suddenly Donna came in and asked me if I was packed or not. I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to listen to her scolding, so I told her I was ready. A few minutes later, she came back and informed me that she’d been all through my house and she couldn’t find any packed bags. Annoyed and upset, I went to my room, emptied a small duffel bag of its contents, and began stuffing underwear and socks into it.

We boarded a military plane at the airport along with Ben, who was also a part of our group, and a group of military personnel. Upon arriving in Baghdad, I was amazed at the thousands of Iraqis who were standing in lines and waiting for flights to leave the country. I began taking pictures of the Iraqis, the myriad of planes lined up on the runways, and the tall, thin billows of smoke that seemed to surround us. It was truly a country at war.

We boarded our helicopters and began to fly out into the countryside. We took some small arms fire, but nothing that would deter us from our stated objective: ending the war.

We flew out to a remote place in the desert that was miles from any town or village that we knew of and dropped a bomb. One bomb. It was on a timed fuse, so we had plenty of time to evacuate the area before it went off. So how could one bomb possibly stop a country at war? Well, this wasn’t just any bomb…it was a nuclear bomb. The U.S. had recently developed a “clean” nuke, so the initial blast was just as devastating as a real nuke, but with none of the radiation side-effects. We detonated this clean bomb as a warning to the insurgents that we were not afraid to use the greatest weapon that we had at our disposal and we would bomb the entire country if necessary.

The mission accomplished its goal. Days later the insurgents unconditionally surrendered and the war was ended.

laundry?

Beth and I decided to go to the mall to get dinner at the outdoor food court. As we finished up our food I looked over at the large mansion that was situated next to the mall, but back a little further from the road. I noticed a black Lincoln Continental parked toward the front of the large, circular driveway. It was then that I remembered that there was an arranged pick-up with three prominent mobsters in the area. They were to park near the Lincoln and take whatever had been left in the trunk for them. This would be the perfect opportunity to identify some of the criminals we'd been after for a long time.

Suddenly, Beth and I are inside the parked car. She’s in the driver’s seat, and I’m right beside her. We would’ve switched, but right then I saw a car pulling into the driveway. It was an old, junky car…they probably stole it specifically for this pickup so that we wouldn’t be able to identify them by their car.

Our windows were tinted very dark, and the sun was setting, so the chances were small that they would realize anyone was in the car. We cracked the windows so that we would be able to hear them talk, in case they divulged any sensitive information that could help me with my investigation. As they pulled up behind us and got out of the car, I heard shouts and commotion. They knew we were there! I threw the car into drive and told Beth to step on it!

We pulled out onto the road with the mobsters in hot pursuit. Our car was much faster than theirs, and we had a full tank of gas, so I knew we could outrun them, and eventually lose them. I needed to be driving because I was a better tactical driver, but we couldn’t risk getting into an accident. At the next intersection I had Beth lay her seat flat and climb into the back while I took the driver’s seat. I took off like a shot and lost them within a few miles.

I wasn’t sure how they knew we were in the car. They couldn’t have seen us in there, but they may have been watching the car and saw us get in. Of course, there was always the possibility that we had been setup. If that was the case, then they would know where we lived and we didn’t have much time. I pulled into the driveway of the house I grew up in and we went inside. I figured we had a couple of hours before they could get here, but we needed to pack and leave as quickly as possible. Beth wanted to do a load of laundry first, because some of the clothes she wanted to take were dirty. I protested but immediately saw that my arguing was futile. She was doing laundry whether I liked it or not. As we waited for the washer to finish I went into the crawlspace under the stairs and started makeshifting a hiding place for Beth in case the mob caught up with us quicker than we expected.

It had been a while and I was getting uneasy just sitting in our house, so I went to get Beth so we could leave now. She had fallen asleep in the laundry room. I woke her up and we went up the stairs to leave, but I saw the mobsters’ car outside. I told Beth to get in the crawlspace downstairs as I ran out on the front lawn with my glock. They immediately opened fire so I dropped on the grass and started shooting. I knew there were three of them, so I put one shot through the passenger side window, and another into the backseat. Judging by the yells I heard, I figured I hit the two I was aiming for. I put a few shots into the driver’s side as I ran to our car. I figured we had time to get away now because they would most likely be driving to the hospital. We’d easily be able to I.D. the two that I shot because shootings were rare in our town.

As I started the car I looked up to see, to my horror, the third guy running into the house. I saw him run upstairs and knew he was chasing Beth. I threw the car in drive and tore around to the back side of the house hoping she’d emerge just as I pulled up. I was a little late, and she ran to the front of the house and up onto the road. I pulled up next to her, and tried to unlock the door, but I kept hitting the window button. Now he was running onto the road and firing at me. He caught up to Beth and grabbed her so I rolled the window down, put three in his chest, got Beth in the car, and drove off.

my yellow balloon

Flying is a strange feeling. The adrenaline rush is a constant mix between the fear of falling and the ecstasy of floating. This is where I find myself.
Soaring high above the trees and beaches, I strain my eyes to identify buildings or streets that I recognize. Wondering how I am so high in the air, I follow the string that is tied around my waist up to where it is securely fastened to a yellow balloon. Just then, the wind dies down, and my yellow balloon and I begin to drop. As we near the ground, the wind picks up again, and we start floating again, though not as high as we once were. I can now see people’s faces down on the ground. Over on the beach, I see the Werner family and some church kids running around. Must be a beach day for the school. I call out to everyone and they wave at me as I pass over them. The wind changes direction and I begin to fly inland. It gets dark very quickly as the sun sets, and I begin to realize that my balloon is about half the size that it once was and I’m quickly descending. I land softly on the ground and reel in my balloon to inspect the problem. It appears as though someone has poked it with knife or a needle, and even though it is made of a very thick latex rubber, it has sustained a small puncture wound in its side.
As I’m standing on the dark street contemplating a way to patch the hole so I can once again fly over the city, I notice a man walking toward me. He was acting nonchalant, but there was a look on his face that told me his intentions were quite deliberate. I began to walk the other direction and heard his gait pick up a bit. More angry than scared, I turned around to face him just as he tucked a knife in the folds of his jacket. He nodded and walked briskly away. This must be the guy that poked my balloon! Thoughts of vengeance flashed through my mind, but being unarmed, I thought it best to let him go this time.
As I stood there with my dead balloon in my hands, I wondered how I’d get home. I was miles away with no transportation. I pinched the hole in my balloon and tried to reinflate it, but it was no use. “Besides,” I remembered, “it can only fly during the day.” Defeated, I started my long walk home.

the oar

I was getting ready to go to the movie theater with Ray to watch some new movie. I put on a pair of shorts and realized that I didn’t have a clean shirt to wear. I brushed my teeth, grabbed my keys, and headed to Wal-Mart to get a new shirt. It was about 8am on a weekday and for some reason I didn’t have to work that day. I walked into the store shirtless and headed toward the men’s department, but something was amiss. The entire place was swarming with stay-at-home moms and I was the only guy in the whole store. As I neared the men’s shirts, I saw a rack that had button-up short sleeve plaid shirts for $2. Apparently, during the night, Wal-Mart discounts all of their clothes that they need to get rid of, and every weekday morning, all the women that don’t work rush in to buy up all the cheap stuff. The things you learn at Wal-Mart…
Anyway, I buy my shirt, put it on, and head home to wait for Ray to pick me up. As I’m waiting, Johanne pulls up in a truck and asks me if I can carve an oar out of wood for one of his friends. Apparently, he had promised a friend that he would have one for him today, but he had procrastinated and now he needed help. I lectured him for awhile about being self-motivated and avoiding procrastination, but I finally agreed to help him out. To make my job easier, I sawed off a branch from a nearby oak that was already sort-of oar-shaped. I used my saw to start flattening out one end of the branch while Johanne sat and watched me. As I was sawing away, my neighbor came out and asked me if she could borrow some dog food for her dogs. They were leaving for vacation today in their RV and they had forgotten to buy a new bag of dog food for the trip. They wanted to get on the road as soon as possible and didn’t want to have to make a stop just for dog food. I went inside, grabbed the bag I had just opened, and brought it out to her. She thanked me and headed back over to her house.
I worked on the oar until Ray came to pick me up. I then handed it over to Johanne to finish it. At first he protested, but I wasn’t about to do the entire thing for him. He needed to learn that waiting until the last minute to do something has a consequence. I hopped in Ray’s truck and we headed off to the theater.

of rivers and teeth...

I suddenly found myself freefalling from an airplane with a few of my friends. At first, I didn’t know whether I jumped out willingly, or if I was pushed out. I soon realized that I was wearing a parachute, so it must have been my choice to jump. As the initial rush of adrenaline began to subside, I noticed some of the guys pulling their cords and being jerked up sharply as their parachutes filled out. I finally pulled my cord and started gliding toward our landing zone: a dusty, barren area in the high desert. We were to land near a deep river that sliced its way through the dry, sandy wilderness.
The sun had been scorching the desert all day, and the moment my feet hit the hard-packed earth I began to feel the heat emanating from beneath me. As I freed myself from my chute, I gazed into the cloudless sky to see who would be the next to land. My friends still seemed far away, so I began to walk toward the river. From up above, I hadn’t been able to tell that the side of the river I was standing on was so much higher than the opposite bank. As I neared the edge of the water, I realized that I was a good twenty feet above the opposite bank and the water below. Beads of sweat began to run down my face as I contemplated jumping into the cool, refreshing water. If I were to jump, however, I knew that there would be no way for me to scale the sheer rock face I was standing above.
I turned back to see a few of the guys had landed already, and were eagerly discussing their atmospheric exploits. As I started toward them, they all started walking toward me, no doubt wanting to jump in the river just as I did. As they neared I explained to them the situation, and then I noticed that Ted wasn’t with them. We all looked up in time to see him just coming within shouting distance. He hit the dirt and quickly doffed his equipment. Boyishly laughing and screaming, he began to run toward the river. I yelled for him to stop, but it was too late. Before we knew it, he had jumped in the river and was calling for us to join him. We all ran to the cliff’s edge just as he realized why I had told him to stop. The river was swiftly carrying him downstream, so we walked along the bank as we tried to figure out what to do.
After about half of a mile, the ground began to slope downward and eventually, Ted was able to crawl out of the water and onto the bank. At this point we all jumped in and began swimming around in the cool water. As I was swimming toward the shore, a glint in the water caught my eye. I dove down and pulled out what I thought to be a human tooth. I dove again and grabbed another white object that turned out to be some tube caps used in molecular biology. I therefore concluded that a scientist had been murdered and his body dumped in this river. My friends all concurred and we initiated an investigation into the murder.

fight night...

I was in a Jurassic Park-like forest helping to cover my friend's project with a huge circus tent. Some evening thundershowers had been forcasted on the news, and we wanted to keep Ray's newest teen-project safe from the elements. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but the whole setup was about the size of a locomotive engine, and had an alarm system designed to go off if anyone entered the tent during the night. Ray had also procured a security firm to guard over the project overnight, seeing as how it was out in the middle of nowhere and would be vulnerable for several hours.
Once we had finished covering everything with the giant tent, Ray had to go to his truck to check on something, so he told me the alarm code so I could go in and set it. After doing so, I walked outside where the two guards who had been sent by the security company were waiting for me. They were totally unkempt and seemed to be intoxicated. One of them was gaunt and sickly looking, the other was a barrel-chested, heavy-set man with a thick beard and a squint in one eye. The bigger man smiled at me and said, “So, you know the alarm code, do ya’?” There was a mischievous glint in his eyes as he waited for my response.
“Yeah, I just set it. We’ll be back in the morning to make sure everything is alright.”
“Well maybe you’ll tell me the code right now, boy.”
“I’m pretty sure I won’t. See you tomorrow.”
As I pushed past the two, the large man started after me, when out of nowhere, Marc Rhodes came flying out of the brush and attacked him. The two guards turned to confront Marc and things were about to get pretty ugly. The big man was livid and started toward Marc, but I grabbed his arm, spun him around, threw my arms around him from behind and dropped to the ground. I had him in a submission hold as he wriggled and roared trying to escape. As calmly as I could, I told him I’d let go if he’d calm down and leave us alone. After another minute or two of struggling, he finally agreed.
I’m not sure why we trusted the two men at this point, but we started toward our vehicles so we could head home and get some rest. As I got into my truck, I saw Ramon sitting in my passenger seat. He demanded that I tell him the alarm code immediately. By now I was so angry that I blindly attacked him as he pulled the door handle and scrambled out. Adam Stark had been behind me in his own car and saw Ramon flee into the woods. As I started after him, Adam reached into my backseat to grab my glock from its case. I stopped my pursuit when I saw this, and returned to the truck to calm Adam down and convince him to leave the gun. He put the gun down and I started after Ramon.
I had no intention of hurting Ramon, I just wanted to scare him a little. As I came into a clearing, I saw him heading toward the backside of a building that had an old, wooden staircase running up the side of it. As he reached the building, he jumped up from the underside of the stairs and started to climb through the wooden slats. He had almost slipped through when I reached him. I grabbed one of his legs and started pulling him back down when I felt something in his sock. I pulled it out and let him go when I realized what it was. It was a $50 gift card for The Olive Garden. I was satisfied with my find and headed back toward my truck, smug with the fact that I would be dining tonight at Ramon’s expense.

hyles

I was at Hyles-Anderson college on a trip with some people from my church. Brother Jeff was preaching every night in the men's dorms and for some reason we had to wear pajamas to the services. I was taking care of something for my wife so I was late to one of the evening meetings. Brother Jeff was unhappy that I was late, but he seemed impressed that I was there at all. Strange.

[I've been having a dearth of dreams lately...that, or my memory is worse than usual of late and I just can't remember them. I'm hoping that soon I'll get back on track with my nightly ruminations and be able to post more often. Thank you for your patience.]

underwater nanos

I was scuba diving with Ted when he pulled a pink ipod nano out of his pocket to show me how they could function underwater. As he was showing me, I reached my hand into the pocket of the wetsuit I was borrowing from him and found another pink nano. When we surfaced later, I asked Ted why he had two nanos. He said the one I found wasn’t his…it must have floated into my pocket somehow. I spent the next several days trying to figure out whose ipod it was using the music and videos that were on it. I never found the owner, so I asked Ted if I could just keep it since I was the one that found it. He said no and took it away from me.
A few days later I was in my bathroom getting ready to shave. Ted was standing in the doorway and I asked him to move so that I could shut the door. He just stood there looking at me. I was still a little annoyed about the ipod thing, so I just started to shut the door in his face. He whipped a bottle of hair spray out of his pocket and sprayed me straight in the eyes. It shot out in a stream and blinded me like pepper spray. Now I was angry so I shoved my shaving cream-covered hand in his face and pushed him into the hallway. He continued to spray me in the face with his hair spray until I slammed the bathroom door.

Nigeria

My church was looking for people willing to travel to Nigeria on a missions trip. I volunteered and soon found myself on a giant military cargo-plane with a few other men. When we landed, it was easy to see what civil war had done to this once peaceful country. The war-torn land was immersed in violence and the inhabitants were terrified. As we made our way to the missionaries house in an old volkswagon van, something seemed out of place. Upon arriving at their home, the missionaries informed us that the entire trip was a setup. The Nigerian government needed funding for their war effort and wanted American prisoners so they could ransom them for money. They told us that Nigerian soldiers were on their way and there was no chance of escape. They would try to hide us but there were no guarantees. One of the missionaries quickly showed me the false ceiling in an outer building and I scrambled up as he went to hide my friends. As I was slipping the ceiling tile back in place behind me, I noticed my footprints on the floor and on the table I used to climb up. I rushed back into the house to tell someone to sweep up after me or we’d all be compromised. I turned to go back outside, but through the window I saw a truck pull up and a dozen soldiers jump out. They were all uniformed soldiers, each carrying semi-automatic rifles and sidearms. The next few moments were a blur. The soldiers were yelling at us and rounding everyone up into the main living room. I think most of them were searching the grounds and only a couple of them were watching us. I went for one of their sidearms and squeezed off a few quick rounds rendering our two guards helpless. We took their weapons and began an assault on the other soldiers. As we gathered up the weapons and moved away from the compound, I realized that the three men I was with must have had some military background that I knew nothing about. We made our way across the countryside toward the airport where we’d landed. We knew that our plane and a small contingent of U.S. military personnel would still be there and we could hitch a ride back to the states.

the bugs are everywhere

About 10 pill bugs burrow into my arm and begin to travel toward my head just under the skin. I quickly grab a couple of the bumps of skin on my right bicep and tear open a hole to dig them out. I cut one in half with my thumbnail, but the sucker digs right back in and keeps traveling. I calmly alert my wife to what is going on and she helps me pop them all out of my upper arm and shoulder before they can reach my head and eat my brain.

treasure

I'm at work when my colleague hands me a map drawn on an old piece of deer hide and tells me that there's a secret treasure hidden nearby and this hide is the map. Of course, I jump at the chance to become instantly wealthy...after all, I figure if a guy takes the time to acquire a deerskin just to draw a map to his hidden treasure on it, he must be telling the truth. I take the map and start recruiting treasure hunters to accompany me on my quest.
Once I had my posse, I needed some socks. (I hadn't had any clean socks to put on that morning, but a treasure-hunt could take me anywhere and I didn't want to be without a good pair of socks.) I went to Adam to borrow a pair because, apparently, Adam keeps a dresser full of clothes in our office. Once my feet were nice and comfy, I went out back to jump in my truck. As I was crossing the parking lot, someone walked up and handed me a rope...with a horse tied to the other end. Why hadn't I thought of this? I doubt any hidden treasure would be near a main road. I'd probably have to go trudging through a forest of palmettos to find the place. I grabbed a shovel from the shed out back and mounted my horse. This is when I realize that there's no saddle. I'm sure there isn't a saddle nearby so I set out bareback in search of my treasure with my posse in tow. As we rounded the front of the building, we saw all the rest of our colleagues in formation on the front lawn. Our division director was leading them in calisthenics. Weird.

darts

Ben and Michelle are playing air hockey while Matt, Cathy, Adam, Audrey, Beth, and I all watch. Ben keeps beating Michelle, and she's not too happy about it. After the game, we all go to the store to buy socks. While we're waiting in the checkout line, Ben Bieber shows up out of nowhere and takes me to the sporting goods section to get some golf tees. Then, using some sort of rolled-up Biscotti cookie stick, he shows me how to improvise a blow dart with the tees. Apparently, when you're in the desert chasing illegal immigrants, the cookie/tee method is extrememly effective in taking them down with little injury.

it's on the beach!

I went to Mae’s beachside condo for the first time. All I knew was that it was a two minute walk from the beach, and had two-stories. When we got there, it was a small, stand-alone shack the size of a small bedroom. The front “door” was a solid, flip-style garage door on the front side of the shack. It was made of old, cheap plywood that was warped, peeling, and falling off. Inside, the walls were made of that blue, plastic padding they use to wrap the supports of ski lifts with. There wasn’t even room for a loveseat inside. There was a small space next to the wall where Mae would crouch down to sleep at night. The “upstairs” was two steps up from the main floor, and was the size of a double bed. The “upstairs” also had a small “crouching space” where Brian slept. Mae was optimistic that Maneesha was going to buy her place for $250k, but I voiced my doubts. Upon hearing them, Mae responded, “Are you kidding me? We’re so close to the beach! Of course it’s worth $250,000!” It was then that I noticed there was no kitchen and no bathroom. When I pointed this out, Mae replied, “Phil…the beach is RIGHT THERE!”

gimme a gun!

I was training with the police department in D.C. with my colleague, Adam. Adam had been in the force for a year, so he had been issued a sidearm. I, on the other hand, was a new recruit, so I received no weapon. Anyway, our orders were to guard a high-profile prisoner who would most-likely get off when he went to trial. We were inside the large prison one night when Adam told me our prisoner was plotting an escape later that evening. I volunteered to sit outside his cell all night to prevent this from happening, but Adam swiftly refused. He wanted the prisoner to escape so that we could arrest him again, this time with heavier charges. The escape would surely convince the judge that this guy needed to be in prison.
We waited until the time was right, and then we headed outside. We wanted to apprehend the perp immediately upon his escape to lower the risk of losing him. I went to the west side of the building, and Adam headed east. We couldn’t request any backup, because it would be found out that we knew what was taking place and took no action to stop it.
As I trudged across the front lawn, I saw him emerge from the side of the building. He saw me in an instant and took off at a fantastic pace. He was a thick, bald, Caucasian guy, and was fast for his size. As I started to chase him, I recognized another man walking down the street ahead of me. I couldn’t remember why, but he looked familiar. I ignored this impression and yelled for him to help me stop the perp. He looked up at me, and then began running toward me. It was then that I remembered why he looked so familiar…I had prosecuted him earlier that year. So now, here I am chasing my prisoner while being chased by someone else.
Suddenly, I’m out of breath and standing on the front steps of a building with both perps on the ground. A fellow officer is also on the ground. Adam is with me on the steps and hands me a weapon. I also see two pistols lying on the ground. Our prisoner (the guy I was chasing) reaches for one of the guns and starts to aim it at me. I tell him to drop it or I shoot. As he continues to lift his arm, I pull the trigger. It rapidly fires 8 times in succession before I can release the trigger. I didn’t realize it was an automatic weapon! I look down to realize I was holding a gas-powered nail-gun…that had the safety on! Nothing had shot out of it. The guy smiles at me when he realizes he hasn’t been shot and starts to aim at me again. Now the officer on the ground grabs him from behind to try to retrieve the gun. I release my safety and pull the trigger again and riddle the guy full of tiny finishing nails. They slow him down enough for us to relieve him of his weapon and cuff him.
The next day at headquarters, I am finally issued a gun…a tiny, snub-nosed pistol that holds about 3 rounds. Well, I guess it’s better than a nail-gun…

escape and evade

I was captured by Russians while stationed overseas as an FBI agent. I was taken to their headquarters (a gigantic, old, run-down structure built into the side of a mountain) and locked in a room. Fortunately, I had formerly received intel on this building and knew my way around fairly well. I found a trapdoor in one of the walls that led into a dark, rock-walled tunnel. I followed it down to a subterranean river that flowed under the mountain. As I made my way down to the water’s edge, in the dim light I could see a small rowboat tied on the far side of the river. I looked up to see rotting trusses which must have been placed to stave off a tunnel collapse. I could hear angry voices and hurried footsteps behind me. I jumped up, grabbed the nearest truss, and made my way, monkey-bar style, over to the rowboat. I dropped in and shoved off just as I saw the Russians’ lights hurrying down the tunnel. The river was swift and it wasn’t long before I was in the bright sunlight and on my way back to the city.
Suddenly, I’m back at FBI headquarters in D.C. My friend, Ben (who is apparently in the CIA), finds me in the hallway and explains to me that the entire ordeal had been a training exercise on escape and evasion. We all have a good laugh and then get back to work.

movie house

I bought a new house and moved all of my furniture in. Great new place! Very roomy, but my bedroom is exactly the same as my old one. Oh well. I get a good night’s sleep after all the hard work of moving in. The next morning I wake up to find one of those movie shelves from Blockbuster right next to my bed…and it’s full of movies! “Why didn’t I notice this yesterday?” I think to myself. “Oh, wait, this house used to be a Blockbuster…I forgot about that!” I open one of the movie cases and the movie is still in there. Apparently, the Blockbuster people were in such a hurry to leave, that they left all the movies on the shelves. I wander through the rest of the house to find that all the walls are lined with movies! I call Netflix to cancel my account as I begin to peruse the videos to find something to watch. To my dismay, I find that half of these suckers are VHS! Oh well. They’re still free!