Tuesday, January 30, 2007

darts

Ben and Michelle are playing air hockey while Matt, Cathy, Adam, Audrey, Beth, and I all watch. Ben keeps beating Michelle, and she's not too happy about it. After the game, we all go to the store to buy socks. While we're waiting in the checkout line, Ben Bieber shows up out of nowhere and takes me to the sporting goods section to get some golf tees. Then, using some sort of rolled-up Biscotti cookie stick, he shows me how to improvise a blow dart with the tees. Apparently, when you're in the desert chasing illegal immigrants, the cookie/tee method is extrememly effective in taking them down with little injury.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

it's on the beach!

I went to Mae’s beachside condo for the first time. All I knew was that it was a two minute walk from the beach, and had two-stories. When we got there, it was a small, stand-alone shack the size of a small bedroom. The front “door” was a solid, flip-style garage door on the front side of the shack. It was made of old, cheap plywood that was warped, peeling, and falling off. Inside, the walls were made of that blue, plastic padding they use to wrap the supports of ski lifts with. There wasn’t even room for a loveseat inside. There was a small space next to the wall where Mae would crouch down to sleep at night. The “upstairs” was two steps up from the main floor, and was the size of a double bed. The “upstairs” also had a small “crouching space” where Brian slept. Mae was optimistic that Maneesha was going to buy her place for $250k, but I voiced my doubts. Upon hearing them, Mae responded, “Are you kidding me? We’re so close to the beach! Of course it’s worth $250,000!” It was then that I noticed there was no kitchen and no bathroom. When I pointed this out, Mae replied, “Phil…the beach is RIGHT THERE!”

gimme a gun!

I was training with the police department in D.C. with my colleague, Adam. Adam had been in the force for a year, so he had been issued a sidearm. I, on the other hand, was a new recruit, so I received no weapon. Anyway, our orders were to guard a high-profile prisoner who would most-likely get off when he went to trial. We were inside the large prison one night when Adam told me our prisoner was plotting an escape later that evening. I volunteered to sit outside his cell all night to prevent this from happening, but Adam swiftly refused. He wanted the prisoner to escape so that we could arrest him again, this time with heavier charges. The escape would surely convince the judge that this guy needed to be in prison.
We waited until the time was right, and then we headed outside. We wanted to apprehend the perp immediately upon his escape to lower the risk of losing him. I went to the west side of the building, and Adam headed east. We couldn’t request any backup, because it would be found out that we knew what was taking place and took no action to stop it.
As I trudged across the front lawn, I saw him emerge from the side of the building. He saw me in an instant and took off at a fantastic pace. He was a thick, bald, Caucasian guy, and was fast for his size. As I started to chase him, I recognized another man walking down the street ahead of me. I couldn’t remember why, but he looked familiar. I ignored this impression and yelled for him to help me stop the perp. He looked up at me, and then began running toward me. It was then that I remembered why he looked so familiar…I had prosecuted him earlier that year. So now, here I am chasing my prisoner while being chased by someone else.
Suddenly, I’m out of breath and standing on the front steps of a building with both perps on the ground. A fellow officer is also on the ground. Adam is with me on the steps and hands me a weapon. I also see two pistols lying on the ground. Our prisoner (the guy I was chasing) reaches for one of the guns and starts to aim it at me. I tell him to drop it or I shoot. As he continues to lift his arm, I pull the trigger. It rapidly fires 8 times in succession before I can release the trigger. I didn’t realize it was an automatic weapon! I look down to realize I was holding a gas-powered nail-gun…that had the safety on! Nothing had shot out of it. The guy smiles at me when he realizes he hasn’t been shot and starts to aim at me again. Now the officer on the ground grabs him from behind to try to retrieve the gun. I release my safety and pull the trigger again and riddle the guy full of tiny finishing nails. They slow him down enough for us to relieve him of his weapon and cuff him.
The next day at headquarters, I am finally issued a gun…a tiny, snub-nosed pistol that holds about 3 rounds. Well, I guess it’s better than a nail-gun…

Friday, January 19, 2007

escape and evade

I was captured by Russians while stationed overseas as an FBI agent. I was taken to their headquarters (a gigantic, old, run-down structure built into the side of a mountain) and locked in a room. Fortunately, I had formerly received intel on this building and knew my way around fairly well. I found a trapdoor in one of the walls that led into a dark, rock-walled tunnel. I followed it down to a subterranean river that flowed under the mountain. As I made my way down to the water’s edge, in the dim light I could see a small rowboat tied on the far side of the river. I looked up to see rotting trusses which must have been placed to stave off a tunnel collapse. I could hear angry voices and hurried footsteps behind me. I jumped up, grabbed the nearest truss, and made my way, monkey-bar style, over to the rowboat. I dropped in and shoved off just as I saw the Russians’ lights hurrying down the tunnel. The river was swift and it wasn’t long before I was in the bright sunlight and on my way back to the city.
Suddenly, I’m back at FBI headquarters in D.C. My friend, Ben (who is apparently in the CIA), finds me in the hallway and explains to me that the entire ordeal had been a training exercise on escape and evasion. We all have a good laugh and then get back to work.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

movie house

I bought a new house and moved all of my furniture in. Great new place! Very roomy, but my bedroom is exactly the same as my old one. Oh well. I get a good night’s sleep after all the hard work of moving in. The next morning I wake up to find one of those movie shelves from Blockbuster right next to my bed…and it’s full of movies! “Why didn’t I notice this yesterday?” I think to myself. “Oh, wait, this house used to be a Blockbuster…I forgot about that!” I open one of the movie cases and the movie is still in there. Apparently, the Blockbuster people were in such a hurry to leave, that they left all the movies on the shelves. I wander through the rest of the house to find that all the walls are lined with movies! I call Netflix to cancel my account as I begin to peruse the videos to find something to watch. To my dismay, I find that half of these suckers are VHS! Oh well. They’re still free!